Guest Blog: An Open Letter to Kendall Paige Anderson

by Wes Davis, friend, fraternity brother, marketing genius, and stand-up comedian

***Disclaimer: the views and opinions expressed in this letter do not necessarily coincide with that of Chad and Claire. Viewer discretion is strongly advised.***

Kendall,

It's a pleasure to welcome you to the world. I know that right now you're in a place you won't remember, but that's OK. You've gotta know that right now there are several people eagerly anticipating your arrival who are going to do their best to not mess you up too badly. Your mom won't allow us to, though. Don't worry. You're going to turn out alright despite the knuckleheads that your dad hangs out with. Being one of the aforementioned knuckleheads, I have some things I need to tell you.

I know you can't read or even hear, but stop making your mom sick. Seriously, it's pissing her off something fierce. Additionally, be aware that you've been living in your mom rent free for a few months now and that won't end (the rent free part) until your mid 20's. Be grateful.

I hope that you are reading this when you're 16 and your dad has just informed you that you can't go to the senior prom with that shorter guy on the football team that looks like he's an OK dude. You wanna know why you can't go? Because your father was that guy. He knows what he's up to and is trying to help you out.

Listen. You're an extremely lucky girl. You're born into a family that is going to do everything in their power to help you succeed. I've known your parents since they first met and I can tell you, they're great people. I know right now you're going "Yeah, right. What the h*** do you know? You're old." Well, to put you up to date, I'm 27 right now. I'm sitting in a class in my last semester of grad school reflecting on what it was like to be cool. I hate this class, it's annoying and I'm ready to graduate. I remember quite well what it was like to be a teenager and believe me when I tell you this, you don't know s*** right now. No, you think you do. We all did. We didn't know s*** and you don't either. Honestly, I'm guessing you have a car. That's awesome. You probably are afforded freedoms that none of us had as a teenager as well. Congratulations, don't exploit these. Come home on time. Be polite to your friend's parents and especially yours. You have no idea what they've been through to ensure that you're taken care of. I mean, your parents have been married for 5 years and I can't hold down a girlfriend. You have a special family, please remember that and thank them often.

Now, the prom probably would have been a good time but here's the deal. If your dad broke down and let you go I'm going to warn you right now of what is going to happen that evening. First thing, your father and I are going to sit in your back yard all day drinking whiskey and eating meat products. It's what we do, we're good at it. You're going to be out all day doing your nails, hair and getting a spray-on tan or something stupid like that. I hope you enjoy the fact that you're 16 and being treated like a movie star for a night. Around 6:30 your father and I are going to move into the living room, remove our shirts, turn on music and begin cleaning our guns. Yeah, I know, this is extreme. The young gentleman is going to knock on the door to come pick you up. You'll be upstairs because you want to make him wait. Your dad and I will greet him at the door, probably smelling like booze and gun oil. I'm sorry, but this is necessary. He will introduce himself by shaking your dad's hand and commence sucking up to him. Your dad will inform him that I have just gotten out of prison and I will discuss the finer points of making Pruno and "keeping your a** in check" when in the shower. The boy will most likely have urinated in his rented tux at this point. I'm glad.

You're going to come downstairs and your dad and I will gush over how beautiful you are. The boy will chime in and I will give him the dirtiest look I've ever given a human (it will be surpassed when my own daughter does the same thing) and inform the boy that "I can hide a body better than he can hide that flask in his suit pocket" and then challenge him to "try me." He will have urinated his tux again at this point and I will point out to him that this is a sign of weakness. Your dad will approach you to give you a hug, but on the way there he will flick the boy in the balls so hard that he falls down.

So see, it's not so bad that you can't go to prom your sophomore year. You could have to deal with the alternative of having your father and I potentially ruin some poor dude's life.

Let's just go ahead and address some other issues. I'm certain that you're going to be asked to go on an absurd spring break trip each of your high school years. Now, this has the potential to be worse than prom because your father and I will get on a plane and go everywhere you and your friends go. We will also be drinking heavily, setting the example of what not to do when you're on spring break. Trust me, the first tatted up college guy that walks up to you will be met with the drunken screams of profanity laden insults and perhaps gunfire from the two of us. You don't want this, wait until college.

This brings me to my third point: college. You're going to go to college, do not stay at a frat party past 1 maybe 2 AM. Trust me, if we find out that you're doing that, the same scenarios will play out, except for that your father and myself will be dressed in our ill-fitting frat sweaters that will be out dated by this point. It'll probably be a rival frat that we crash. We'll probably set the house on fire. You don't want this.

That's about it. Keep your chin up, it could be worse. We could follow you to school every day...

Sincerely,
Wes Davis